April 2011
24 posts
1 tag
i don’t want to sound whiny or unhappy with my life because that’s not really it. it’s not that i’m unsatisfied or things aren’t going well or that i don’t have all that i need, it’s not that at all. i’ve just been spending so much time missing people, missing so many people since last year’s january, and i just want to feel at home and not...
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March 2011
48 posts
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I hate how fake my smile looks in pictures. How distant my eyes are. The only time it’s ever been real is when I’m with you. Or with certain friends. Or in the midwest.
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“There is a paradox here. Because the only way to offset the pain of missing you...”
– The Slide, Kyle Beachy
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I think coffee is the only reason I'm functioning...
And I just ran out, as you can see by my clearly visible tears, so maybe I’ll make some more. Or just do my homework. Or sleep.
But what am I kidding. I’ll sleep when I die.
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like history,
wading through water, up to your shoulders, in a black swimsuit with golden bumblebees stitched in the fabric. you’re calling out to your friend, blue eyed with golden hair, and you’re splashing everywhere you go. smiling, a bubbling happiness without thought or forced intentions. careless but because of ignorance, not indifference. blue sky, cloudless. yet the sun, like a burning...
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I honestly feel absolutely terrible, and I don’t plan on sharing my honest feelings ever again.
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People disgust me, but I cannot deny that they...
This is why a part of me longs to study psychology, but I’ve decided to be a writer. I’ll explore humanity in my own stylistic way, minds of people I’ve never met and yet replicas of who I know.
I still want to learn more about psychology, though. My tears. If only I could major in everything.
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I miss the way my clothes smelled of you. Lingering warmth of cologne, the smell of summer, the smell of love and contentment and security and an evening spent lounging on the bed, tangled limbs and so much to left to say that we let the silence settle deep within our veins.
Now the fabric smells of detergent, fresh yet without sentiment, and it’s strange how much smell can affect you. The...
itsashark asked: Hello. You seem... Interesting.
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This will either be an opinion already heard or something offensive, depending upon your political stance, but I don’t really care. This has been on mind today since a discussion in one of my classes in school, and here is my honest opinion on a widespread and obscure issue.
Abortion, either condemned with the name of “murder” or supported with the justification of...
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restless mind, tired eyes.
Alicia says I think too much, I overanalyze everything until I can’t make sense of the world. It’s problematic, she says. You take one broad idea and strip it down from solidity into loose fragments, from an absolute structure to a concept to an abstract meaning and slowly into the nothingness that lies beneath all things. Like writing a word over and over until it loses meaning, a...
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i think i've been here before,
tired
uninspired
nostalgic
longing
dull
stressed
and then maybe sad
or frustrated
irritated
angry
depressed
depressed
depressed
numb.
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Sometimes I get so caught up in everything I’m not, I begin to forget everything I am. Eyes transfixed on a mirage dancing somewhere seconds back when the snow fell lightly on Minnesota hills, when the cold stole my breath but gave me love, numb hands and a smile thawed. I don’t feel like that anymore, invincible or joyful or sure. I don’t even feel real anymore, like this skin...
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Watchummmm yeah
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soul sickness
From infinite happiness to bottomless sadness, my mood has no pattern. It’s kind of frustrating. I become so upset and bitter out of nowhere, and I just want to curl up inside of myself and sleep. I don’t know what to do in these moments. To run away or run towards those who can help me. Or maybe I just need to sleep.
I just don’t feel very happy with the person I’ve...
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I walked towards the school, sun overhead and the blue free of a blemish white, with a shadow tied to my feet, rippling out in front of me on the sidewalk, shivering with each forward movement of a leg. Small, black, dependent on my movements, it stared back into me as I watched its hollow body slither without noise. A replica of myself without face, color, dimensions branching from physical into...
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i'm honestly terrifed of what's going to happen to...
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and the culmination of stress, exhaustion and sickness, of body and soul, have led me by the hand into my depression and irritation and tears again. maybe for just the night, and after i’ve emptied my mind in dreams, sadness caught in the strings of a dream catcher with a name like sleep, i’ll find the morning with a numbness better than anger. i’m sorry. just ignore me until...
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degeneration
muscle receding into bone,
bone to marrow
to the dust and breath
of genesis,
from thoughts to words to abstract images, blurred.
i am but a sparrow who has fallen too far from the nest.
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wide eyes;
Tonight is just one of those nights where I am not going to sleep. One of those nights where I’ll make random mix CD’s that I may or may not actually give to people, drink too much coffee and tea, go through my music library, write poetry I’ll probably throw out tomorrow, stare at the ceiling, play last week over and over in my head until it’s default cognitive imagery. I...
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Weeks before I moved in early January 2010, Greta and I were at the table with her mom, Stephanie, discussing relationships and love and all the little things in between. Greta and I were both cynical, committed to independence and solitude, incapable of staying with a single person for too long. I remember telling Stephanie, “I’m just too independent, and I just can’t give...
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Choking on tears, alone in a lobby, pacing back and forth, nervous hands holding onto the phone. Apologies and biting nails. Shaking, folding inwards, hiding. Feeling the wave of insignificance and regret upon my shoulders, inadequacy and deprecation. Self-mutilation through the dismantling of esteem and composure, one thought after the other. Alone in an empty lobby, some distant piano melody...
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Wonder.
Sometimes when I sit in my therapist’s office, I wonder about the people sitting next to me and why they’re in here. I wonder if they deal with the same things I do, if they feel sad or confused or angry or just unsure, if they’re okay. There was a girl with jeans that hung loosely around her thin legs, arms folded over a sweatshirt, her voice indifferent and low as she told her...
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2008.
One of my shining moments in high school was when you took my water bottle from me, drank from it excessively and told me if I didn’t drink the rest of it you would pour it on my head. Like elementary school kids poking fun in the back of the classroom, the teacher oblivious. Only two weeks into school. I snatched the bottle, drank the water quickly before spitting it in your face without...
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i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate people i hate...
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There are some things that can only be solved with...
my life right now
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self-resistant
flimsy paper folded
into a jem, inked and handled
instilled at birth, maintained
and endlessly polished with
foreign hands. it throbs within
me like a stranger’s passing
yell ringing in the ear. i cannot
take what is not mine, i am a robber
of words no longer trusted,
a robber of my own insignificant humanity.
the blood only flows through what is real
intentional in placement,...
