TIKKUN OLAM

When he’s the one, I’ll come undone.

1. This whole album is beautiful, and I love Katy Perry. She’s gorgeous, her voice is hnggg, and it puts me in a good mood. Yes.

2. I do not like Math.

3. But I do like talking to you.

4. I’m really excited for NaNoWriMo, even though it doesn’t start until November. I only got 11,000 words far last year, so we’ll see if I can actually finish this year. I’m planning on doing it with Sam; hopefully, Eunji Munji will join in on the fun. All these things spinning in my head can finally unravel into fifty thousand words. Excite.

5. I’m okay.

Can’t help but let the weakness creep into your bones, there’s no stopping it now, just let yourself fade and disappear into some violent thought that sleep will take you tonight, you’ll find yourself in your dreams, some strong and pretty thing, and you’ll wake up. You’ll wake and everythign will be okay. The nerves will subside and you’ll be able to eat again, and the dizziness will leave your swimming head, you’ll be awake and alive, and you’ll be fine. Absolutely fine. I’m not lying to myself this time, I don’t think, because happiness is so hard to fake when you’re by yourself and alone.

I can’t stop thinking about September third. I’m going to explode with excitement.

I am so blessed to have you in my life. You, and all my other beautiful friends. You all keep me smiling. Thank you.

I love reading and drinking hot tea. And going to bed early.

Night.

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map

And knew that somehow I could find my way back

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness, too

So I stayed in the darkness with you.

Today I slept in until 1:30 because school and stress has denied me sleep throughout the entirety of the week. Friday was a blessing in that I was able to find a sudden burst of happiness, peace and hope. Things are getting worse, yes. I can’t eat much anymore from these nerves, but I’m trying. I’m improving. I’m getting there. Things are dark and numb, but I won’t give up. I’m cold, but I’m finding warmth in others and in God. Playing the piano, singing in the shower, baking cookies, writing, reading books, fiddling with calculators, dancing like a two year old, wearing fuzzy socks, taking hot showers, glasses of cold milk, eating the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, rolling around on a bed, jumping on beds, late night phone conversations, smiling, laughing, getting cute pictures, loving, yelling at people while driving, libraries, taking walks, venturing through cities, conversations with random people, jumping up and down to a good beat, twirling around, the smell of freshly cut grass, making snowmen, crying out of happiness, holding hands, listening to street performers, learning a new language, good food, a glass of lemonade on a hot day, someone to call your love.

The simplest of things keep me wanting to stay alive.

All I know is that you’re so nice. You’re the nicest thing I’ve seen.

It may be just me, but I find analyzing novels terribly fun. Maybe it’s the predominant bookworm in me or it’s my inner geek, but I start to enjoy novels a lot more after I start looking through all the symbolism and clues. It’s a game, it’s a puzzle, but it’s not in numbers and pictures—it’s in words, it’s in the things I love most: books. So, when most people complain about an analytical paper, I’m excite. I genuinely enjoy writing papers. It’s the best feeling to be able to finally figure a book out.

So this is perfect. Romanian tea, although it’s cold now, I might just grab another cup. Flipping through Alias Grace, jotting down notes and forming paragraphs, only pausing to pick up texts from you.

This is a peace I’ve been needing for a long time.

There’s so much I want, I want to say to you, do you feel alive when I’m next to you?

667. Those three months felt like an eternity because not a single day with you is a blur, a quickly tossed aside memory. That would be blasphemy to say you’re forgettable. You’re not. It feels like forever because I can’t let seconds tick by without noticing them because you have filled in the gaps of all these minutes of all these hours and days, and I can’t help but pay absolute attention and wait.

Today: Absolutely tired, Flores 69, Checked out of school early, I’m not going blind anytime soon, Talked with raccoon, Tea, Interesting Apology letter from a February ex, That was kind of nice, Homework, Sleep, Dream(ing of you).

I need to go to bed early tonight.

But I’m so awake and incapable of accessing dreamland.

These anxiety attacks will be the death of me.