"It’s those pills that you don’t need to take, medicating perfection, now that’s a mistake."
Hi, You may never get this messasge but I want to let you know that a year ago today I had the best phone call of my life and it was with you. So I just thought I would let you know how important to me. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me! Love, Zack
Day has been made. I was actually thinking about last summer, and the phone call that saved me from a lot of things. Last summer was a lot of firsts and a lost of lasts. A lot of disappointments and I lot of encouragements. Destruction and reconstruction. Losing it and figuring it out. I remember that phone call perfectly, or rather, I remember all the phone calls last summer. The first one was when I was tucked under a table in the dormitory kitchen, crying and rambling incoherently while Zack just talked me into a stable sanity. I kept freaking people out because they’d go in the kitchen for something, and it was completely dark in there, and then they would hear me from under the table. I thought that was funny. I didn’t hate myself so much after that conversation. We talked until one in the morning, and if it weren’t for that conversation, I don’t know how I would have made it. I also remember talking to him while I was in Seattle, tucked away in my room in my dad’s apartment, and it was my turn to listen to him. We talked endlessly. I’m fairly certain that he understands me more than a lot of people, and we’re practically the same person. I adore this kid to death; he’s like a younger brother to me.
I miss you Minnesota neighbor, “brother”, and best friend. Let’s hang out when I visit.
Dear Raccoon, I'm sorry we didn't have a late night conversation like usual, and I'm probably sleeping by the time you read this. So I hope you sleep well tonight, and if I can't find dreamland, I'll try to find you on the internet. You're cool :3 nom nom. Oh and I'm sorry for trolling you.
Today has been good. Chill, but very good. Even though I didn’t get much sleep, I woke up feeling so energized. And usually I’m falling asleep throughout the day, but today I was awake. So awake. I’ve noticed that the less I sleep, the more awake I am. Like that one time I stayed up till four o’clock in the morning to study for tests with the company of a cup of coffee (bad idea).
I woke up, ate bread with Nutella (like every morning), and just rolled around on my bed until we went out into the city. Lea had to go to the dentist, so I just wandered around Luebeck by myself for two hours. It’s such a beautiful city. For Germany, churches are the equivalent of our skyscrapers, except a thousand times more beautiful and historic. I love how old everything is. I love, I love, I love Germany.
I’m surprised I didn’t get lost. It’s not a huge city like New York City or Chicago, but it’s large enough for a directionally challenged girl to go astray. After awhile I caught up on signs, landmarks. I don’t work with lefts and rights; I work with my breadcrumb trail of memories. The band of kids with colorful and obscene hair, numerous piercings, one of their kind sitting cross-legged while playing a flute; the girl hovering over a notebook as she sang lyrics to the strum of her guitar; the group of men laughing and talking loudly as they sat on the wall, beers in hand; the solemn man extending a paper cup for money.
I love this song so much. Actually I love any song that Dallas Green makes because his voice is beautiful. His voice and sleeping pills are practically the only things that can coax me into sleep at night. The worst nights have been turned into simply bad nights with the company of his voice. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but his music puts me in a good mood.
Anyways, the weather in Germany hasn’t really been able to make up its mind for the past forever. It’ll be grey, then the sun will appear and try to give me skin cancer, and then it’s raining down a storm. Right now, it’s grey. I think that’s my favorite weather—when the sky is no particular color, and the temperature lingers right in the middle of the spectrum. It makes me want to climb a tree, like that one time Cody and I ventured out into those woods behind our houses, and found ourselves a random lake and then climbed this huge tree just because we could. I miss Minnesota, but I’ll live.
I’ll probably just write all day and be lazy. Story of my life.
According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.
"One more glass of wine, before I turn off the lights, this time, this time I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine."
And the more you say “I’ll be fine” the more numb you become. I’m not quite sure if Germany is helping me regain feeling or if it’s pushing me further into doubt, but either way Germany is quite amazing. I have time, I have distance, I have inspiration to figure this out. Eventually. Slowly. Maybe. We’ll see.
And for the record, if you ever destroyed yourself entirely, I would beat you with a wooden spoon.