December 2010
41 posts
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I knew I'd get here eventually;
I was going to write some post laced with nostalgia and remorse, recounting all I have done over the past year, but I decided it didn’t really matter. I don’t really care what I have done, or where I have messed up. Sure, there are some wonderful memories contained with this year that I continue to replay within my mind, but I am attempting to challenge humanity’s curse of never...
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you should have left me alone;
there is nowhere on earth
as dark and terrifying as i
so maybe i should stay inside,
save everyone from myself
as i hide under the bed
like a child’s fantasy monster,
stirring up yesterday dust
replaying all i have done
and all i could have managed,
panic’s body intertwined with mine
we whisper stories and sleep
together with the same intention
of never waking up or rising,
...
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I really need to hate myself less.
Reblog if you're a strong black woman who don't...
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“the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,...”
– Alone With Everybody, Charles Bukowski.
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thinking
she sits alone and thinks about thinking things: today, yesterday, tomorrow, people, places, changes, the weather, temperature, friends, a book or two, the blemish in her brain, how she has forgotten almost everything.
she sits alone and thinks until the emptiness consumes, her eyes glaze, falter, fall focused on a blank something, all the unjustified tragedies play out in her head, tall,...
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WatchI’M STILL CRYING
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“Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not...”
– Saul Williams, Said the Shotgun to the Head (via vasuki)
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maybe it would be best if I stayed;
Death and I have gone through various stages. Of course there’s the point where I had to firstly understand it, to admit it is natural and inevitable and nothing is guaranteed immortality. And it is kind of hard to accept that living is dying, but I think I dealt with it rather well. Fear and then acceptance. The two stages I waver between, yet there’s another forbidden yet undeniably natural...
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“The worst part about being me is that sometimes I just wish I could fix...”
– Lady Gaga (via annieelainey)
omarflores asked: I am blown away at all the boys I'm going to be killing.
ianscottjones-deactivated201112 asked: I am blown away by the pure talent that is brought to life by you writing.
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In a doctor's office.
Whenever I’m not hidden behind the confines of my bedroom, and I feel the swarm of panic and tears lingering in the back of my throat, I have this habit of writing “I will not cry in public” over and over and over on whatever paper I can find until it fills up or until I can breathe again. Like one of those old-fashioned punishments: I will not sleep in class, I will not cheat, I will not be...
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Resilient.
I still tear myself apart from time to time, habitual decay is all it is, that feeling feeling feeling of time frozen and blood boiled, you make it easy for thought to dance downward down dead, overcome and seized by hands clutching my throat and I cannot tell if it’s you or me, strangled inwardly, outwardly, trying to breathe yet the motivation lies in purpose silenced, this odd and exponential...
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death by incapability.
Weak and frail, I can only do so much with broken arms, worn and tainted hands, to hold another in my history book of scars seems unfitting, timelines wrapping around you like cables, I am incapable of comforting all that you are, unable to reach the deepest pockets and zippers, bundled up winter coats of memories, unable to be enough for the person I love most, I say I am sorry you are suffering...
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“Boys liked her. She preferred books.”
– Anneliese Cuttle, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs
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summer ghost.
I spent months a summer ghost,
lulled by blood rush and music low,
a shadow of a winter girl, white as snow,
reckless: hand raised in a drunken toast.
I spent months a bittersweet detainee,
confined by want of hazy-headed dream,
numbed, mesmerized with red wine gleam,
unable to think, remember—free.
I spent months a thunderstorm,
a threat to fold inside out, implode
yet remaining a mere murmur,...
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universes of different fates:
Nothing is ever the same because nothing joins together to make a unified entity capable of eternity. We take backwards glances and cannot recognize the seemingly similar face because we have surpassed the confines of that once all-encompassing time, the moments we thought we would never outlive have been dissected from a day containing years into a memory containing seconds. Like a blurred...
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Silly girl,
You can’t always find happiness in doctors and medicine and lists of goals and empty hope and other people and numbing pain.
All you ever really needed was to dance around in knee-high socks and pajamas in an empty house, music on the loudest volume and your research paper still unwritten. All you ever really needed was to just be silly and let go and give up on happiness constructed from...
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photographic memory,
Looking at a picture from the outside in, it’s so hard to tell where I’ve been and who I used to love and who I used to be, everything rarely contains itself anymore, blurs and unconscious memory are all I have left to hold onto and breathe, I’m a ghost of a thousand years condensed into only seventeen, I walk without thinking of foot meeting floor, I’m a wanderer within an unmoving frame,...
Anonymous asked: i dont have anything to ask i just want to say i really like what your doing i would do the same thing if i could figure out how to translate all the racing thoughts on my mind on to something where i could show the world
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apart.
if only it could snow
and the cold could settle
in bones like streets
with footprints made and
imprinted into grey white
unforgotten fleets, i used
to spend my winters alone
cold inside beside fireplace
hope, presents wrapped in
melancholy green and the
ornaments hanging from a
burning tree, but now i live
in winter with you, december
snow covers everything i used to
know and it’s just me and...
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one day.
one day you will wake up and notice your scars are gone, yet the sun still hits your bed the same, and that your legs do not slide out from under heavy covers to merely reach the floor for the purpose of waking, but for the purpose of being alive, an acceptance of breath in the way you’ll walk towards the door. one day you’ll notice your face hasn’t changed, but it is beautiful...
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sailboat.
if i were a sailboat i guess i’d be lost and a sailor short. if you were a lighthouse you must have been broken and looking at your feet. and if you were my money i’d spend you on everything worthless because you don’t mean a thing to me. and i’d travel across the sea to the corners of the earth where you can’t reach. if i were a compass i’d be spinning like...
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Healing.
It’s always been a different diagnosis and a different prescription. A different perspective on the skewed clockwork of an overwhelmed mind, a girl simply crippled with self-deprecation and depression like winter, cold and silent, the mistakes repeated over and over again that could not, cannot be solved. A different way to patch me up, to fix me, to correct whatever went wrong. So they gave...
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heartbroken.
lately i feel so heartbroken a thousand chords snapped with a smile merely dangling. it’s not what i’m remembering it’s only what i’m forgetting and my fingertips are slipping. everything i’ve had is underwater all that remains is fading and i’m on land suffocating. i miss you.
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virtualserotonin-deactivated201 asked: What's stopping you?
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december first.
I am so thankful that December decided to start on a Wednesday this year. Usually, Wednesdays are the “okay” days, the days that are in the middle and could go either way. There really hasn’t been anything special about them until recently, when Matt invited me to go to church with him. I haven’t been to youth group in years, but I felt like I needed it. Not another night...